Yes. You. I have something to say. Am afraid I didn't have the chance to explain things to you properly the last time we talked. So perhaps I'll just write them all here. If there's one thing I despise doing. it's hurting people on purpose. Hurting people is one thing, because you wouldn't really do it unless you hate someone. And am pretty sure I don't hate you. No, I never hated you. But am hurting you in purpose because I honestly believe this is what you need. You've been abusive. You asked for friendship, and I wholeheartedly gave mine along with what friends have got to offer. I did that because if there's one person who've felt the same way you're going to feel if I pushed you away that would be. That's why I always try my best to not apply it to other people.

But still you didn't value that friendship. I tried to reach out to you, but you continue to ignore me. The time I was grieving, December to April of this year, the struggling months of my life I tried to reach you, but you kept your distance with me, and I don't know why. All I got were lifeless answers from you.  And after that you never keep your attendance. I tried my best to understand that because as much as I want you to be always here, you have your own life to deal with.

Perhaps, I can never gather the guts to actually tell you this. You may beg to differ but somehow it felt that way in my perspective. And I felt like I just shot dozens of puppies. But somehow your absence made me think of things over. It made me make sense on why are you not here, why am losing you, and why am losing myself. I just can't seem to find a way to be truely honest with my feelings. Because pretty much I once was scared of losing you. Am scared of losing you if I talk too much, if I get too honest. I know I've been moping around when you're trying your very best to make me forget the world and just be happy. And there I was, still staring down at my shoes. And still hoping that you might reply at me.

Am sorry if you felt pushed. If I was being an asshole, Am sorry for everything, actually. Am sorry for the thousands of animals getting killed everyday. Am sorry for the rape victims and the maltreated children. Am sorry for pollution, drug abuse, misunderstanding, depression, insanity. Am sorry for the heinous crimes, the killings, the very existence of felons. Am sorry for everything you've cared for. Am sorry, because I don't have the power to do anything about it. Am just.. Sorry.

This is a letter of redemption for you. And I know in my heart and soul that when we last talk, I probably lost you already. Maybe you're already gone. But I tried. Because I wanted you back. You never cared and from what I've been going through right now, rejection from you is the last thing I need. You rejected me and deprived me from saying goodbye. Hell, I'd take rejection, pain, humiliation and self-pity too if that would guarantee me that you'll be my friend again. But things can't really go the way we want it to be, can it now? And it kills me. Those are such overused phrase taken for granted, but yes, it does. You're killing me. And I can't possibly live with someone who's been putting poison onto my system. You may never have done it consciously but you did. You did and the pain of the venom is creeping through every vein in my body right now.

 I've seen this all coming and I know I may be broken. Hell am completely aware of the fact that I may not get out of this whole again, but am doing it. Putting my whole beating heart locked in a fucking vault because pretty much I won't be needing it for awhile. I can't face the fact that you, of all people do these things to me. Maybe am overreacting a little but am just seriously disappointed. It breaks my heart to see that you are doubting me when there's nothing I've done to feel skeptic about. For all I know, I've done everything to keep you, make you remember me, help you in any way I know possible. And yet, as pathetic as it sounds, it makes me feel like half of what I've been living for was gone.

I just don't know what to say more than that am indeed fucking hurt. It aches through me.  And writing it down won't change a thing to be honest but I guess it won't kill me to try. Or maybe it would. Maybe it should. I always thought I've passed through this stage but apparently I've been sulking myself into it all along. I always thought am over the times wherein I'd lie and cry myself to sleep while I beg every entity out there for my own death. I always thought am over that feeling of not wanting to wake up and witness the things I want the least. But those countless of "I thoughts'"  sounds more like hopes for me. And am running of it. Somehow, something's pulling me back to  my old miserable self and I feel like am clawing desperately to fight it back. But I can't. No wonder I've seen people leaving, turning their backs and going to places where I can't seem to reach them. There's something else in here, and for whatever that is, am the latest victim. Am your latest victim.

Lots of little bad things pile up until they’re this huge bunch of problems and I explode. I hate being the one who’s always expecting something great to happen. I hate that I always assume. I hate how good I am with finding out things, only to find out things that would depress me. Exhausted. Yes, am exhausted. Am so tired, and I feel like all my joy has been drained from my system. I don’t know what to do.  My heart is being weigh down. My heart has been stabbed into numbers I never knew existed. It’s just… my heart hurts, that’s all. I always thought that there will be someone who will never leave me, someone I can be myself with, someone I can hold on to. One day, I always thought that all this shit will just go away from me and leave me alone, and life would be perfect, life would be nice and there will be better days.  I didn't do anything. Which proves to me the truth that am not as special as anyone say I am. Holding on to something like such statements just hurts one more. And am not sure where I am, really.  I keep saying to myself that one day, this'll all be nothing and everything will be good and perfect. That maybe all these ill feelings and problems am keeping are just something my insecurity conjured up and will disappear right away, seeing as I think I don't mean them. But the truth is...I want to be able to close my eyes and never have a reason to open them. And by the time I do have a reason, the whole world would have been long dead. Then I won't have to see anything. I won't have to hear anything. I won't have to feel anything. And that's what we all want. I need you, but you don't need me. And I can't help but agree with you.

...I don't need myself either.

 No, I'm not okay. No, I don't think I ever will be

 It sucks so much when people are right when you don't want them to be. It sucks so much when, at the same time, they are wrong when you want them to be right. When everyone makes it seem okay, when it really isn't... just hurts.

Now writing all of this, pouring it all out made me realise things. It made me realise how horrible of a person I am. And I got friends more than I deserve. If you happen to choose to runaway, am not stopping you.

Maybe it'll remain this way for a long time, but somehow, am still holding onto this hope that there will come a day that our friendship wouldn't be my first thought when I woke up in the morning. Am still hoping that somehow, someday, songs won't remind me of you anymore, so as the colourful leaves, so as whenever a stranger would smile at me, so as anything and everything I've been living for. I hope that day comes soon.  And as much as I don't want your memory to be taken away from me, I have to. I have to live. And I have to live my own life that doesn't revolve around someone who's obviously in denial.

Psfht.

Wherever you are right now, just be fucking happy.