Hello Strangers

Goodbye to you...

2011-10-28T04:11:00.001-07:00

Yes. You. I have something to say. Am afraid I didn't have the chance to explain things to you properly the last time we talked. So perhaps I'll just write them all here. If there's one thing I despise doing. it's hurting people on purpose. Hurting people is one thing, because you wouldn't really do it unless you hate someone. And am pretty sure I don't hate you. No, I never hated you. But am hurting you in purpose because I honestly believe this is what you need. You've been abusive. You asked for friendship, and I wholeheartedly gave mine along with what friends have got to offer. I did that because if there's one person who've felt the same way you're going to feel if I pushed you away that would be. That's why I always try my best to not apply it to other people.

But still you didn't value that friendship. I tried to reach out to you, but you continue to ignore me. The time I was grieving, December to April of this year, the struggling months of my life I tried to reach you, but you kept your distance with me, and I don't know why. All I got were lifeless answers from you. And after that you never keep your attendance. I tried my best to understand that because as much as I want you to be always here, you have your own life to deal with.

Perhaps, I can never gather the guts to actually tell you this. You may beg to differ but somehow it felt that way in my perspective. And I felt like I just shot dozens of puppies. But somehow your absence made me think of things over. It made me make sense on why are you not here, why am losing you, and why am losing myself. I just can't seem to find a way to be truely honest with my feelings. Because pretty much I once was scared of losing you. Am scared of losing you if I talk too much, if I get too honest. I know I've been moping around when you're trying your very best to make me forget the world and just be happy. And there I was, still staring down at my shoes. And still hoping that you might reply at me.

Am sorry if you felt pushed. If I was being an asshole, Am sorry for everything, actually. Am sorry for the thousands of animals getting killed everyday. Am sorry for the rape victims and the maltreated children. Am sorry for pollution, drug abuse, misunderstanding, depression, insanity. Am sorry for the heinous crimes, the killings, the very existence of felons. Am sorry for everything you've cared for. Am sorry, because I don't have the power to do anything about it. Am just.. Sorry.

This is a letter of redemption for you. And I know in my heart and soul that when we last talk, I probably lost you already. Maybe you're already gone. But I tried. Because I wanted you back. You never cared and from what I've been going through right now, rejection from you is the last thing I need. You rejected me and deprived me from saying goodbye. Hell, I'd take rejection, pain, humiliation and self-pity too if that would guarantee me that you'll be my friend again. But things can't really go the way we want it to be, can it now? And it kills me. Those are such overused phrase taken for granted, but yes, it does. You're killing me. And I can't possibly live with someone who's been putting poison onto my system. You may never have done it consciously but you did. You did and the pain of the venom is creeping through every vein in my body right now.

I've seen this all coming and I know I may be broken. Hell am completely aware of the fact that I may not get out of this whole again, but am doing it. Putting my whole beating heart locked in a fucking vault because pretty much I won't be needing it for awhile. I can't face the fact that you, of all people do these things to me. Maybe am overreacting a little but am just seriously disappointed. It breaks my heart to see that you are doubting me when there's nothing I've done to feel skeptic about. For all I know, I've done everything to keep you, make you remember me, help you in any way I know possible. And yet, as pathetic as it sounds, it makes me feel like half of what I've been living for was gone.

I just don't know what to say more than that am indeed fucking hurt. It aches through me. And writing it down won't change a thing to be honest but I guess it won't kill me to try. Or maybe it would. Maybe it should. I always thought I've passed through this stage but apparently I've been sulking myself into it all along. I always thought am over the times wherein I'd lie and cry myself to sleep while I beg every entity out there for my own death. I always thought am over that feeling of not wanting to wake up and witness the things I want the least. But those countless of "I thoughts'" sounds more like hopes for me. And am running of it. Somehow, something's pulling me back to my old miserable self and I feel like am clawing desperately to fight it back. But I can't. No wonder I've seen people leaving, turning their backs and going to places where I can't seem to reach them. There's something else in here, and for whatever that is, am the latest victim. Am your latest victim.

Lots of little bad things pile up until they’re this huge bunch of problems and I explode. I hate being the one who’s always expecting something great to happen. I hate that I always assume. I hate how good I am with finding out things, only to find out things that would depress me. Exhausted. Yes, am exhausted. Am so tired, and I feel like all my joy has been drained from my system. I don’t know what to do. My heart is being weigh down. My heart has been stabbed into numbers I never knew existed. It’s just… my heart hurts, that’s all. I always thought that there will be someone who will never leave me, someone I can be myself with, someone I can hold on to. One day, I always thought that all this shit will just go away from me and leave me alone, and life would be perfect, life would be nice and there will be better days. I didn't do anything. Which proves to me the truth that am not as special as anyone say I am. Holding on to something like such statements just hurts one more. And am not sure where I am, really. I keep saying to myself that one day, this'll all be nothing and everything will be good and perfect. That maybe all these ill feelings and problems am keeping are just something my insecurity conjured up and will disappear right away, seeing as I think I don't mean them. But the truth is...I want to be able to close my eyes and never have a reason to open them. And by the time I do have a reason, the whole world would have been long dead. Then I won't have to see anything. I won't have to hear anything. I won't have to feel anything. And that's what we all want. I need you, but you don't need me. And I can't help but agree with you.

...I don't need myself either.

No, I'm not okay. No, I don't think I ever will be

It sucks so much when people are right when you don't want them to be. It sucks so much when, at the same time, they are wrong when you want them to be right. When everyone makes it seem okay, when it really isn't... just hurts.

Now writing all of this, pouring it all out made me realise things. It made me realise how horrible of a person I am. And I got friends more than I deserve. If you happen to choose to runaway, am not stopping you.

Maybe it'll remain this way for a long time, but somehow, am still holding onto this hope that there will come a day that our friendship wouldn't be my first thought when I woke up in the morning. Am still hoping that somehow, someday, songs won't remind me of you anymore, so as the colourful leaves, so as whenever a stranger would smile at me, so as anything and everything I've been living for. I hope that day comes soon. And as much as I don't want your memory to be taken away from me, I have to. I have to live. And I have to live my own life that doesn't revolve around someone who's obviously in denial.

Psfht.

Wherever you are right now, just be fucking happy.

You Write Such Pretty Words But Life's No Storybook

2011-10-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

Am a big fan of wrestling ever since I was a kid and years ago I found the poem through a website, a tribute fan website for the late, great, professional wrestler, Eddie Guerrero, who passed away couple of years ago. Eddie had always been one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, as I not only admired his in-ring prowess, but I was also amazed at how he overcame his demons (he was a former drug addict and had just celebrated his fourth anniversary of sobriety the week before his death) and how much of a family man he was.

Years ago I was browsing through the site, when I came across the poem included in one of the fans' condolence letters. I was immediately driven to the point of being teary-eyed. Flashbacks of the week after his death came to me. I remembered watching a father holding his crying son to his chest, consoling him after the death of his idol.

The construction of the poem and its message was very contradicting. The message of it was to remember and reminisce about the happy memories, yet the emotional aspect itself screams sadness and yearning. THAT led me to the conclusion that there really is no way to talk about the death of a loved one in a happy, or at least in a monotonous way.

As I said, the location of where I found the poem and for whom the sender intended it to be for send me waves of the hundreds and thousands of fans who mourned the death of someone who, like me, they didn't even know personally. It overwhelmed me, to feel firsthand the after-effects of my idol's passing. But the other feelings I got were far more serious than things that happened in the not-so-distant past.

It fueled the fire of my fear of death, or rather, our mortality as humans. I have admitted to myself and to my friend that I have a fear of all things connected with growing old, losing loved ones, being sick, and our eventual deaths. Up to this day, I still do not know whether the poem made me feel more scared than sad, or vise versa. It reignited in me, the fact that you can be admired and loved by all kinds of people all over the world, have a wonderful family, and an illustrious career, but at the same time be very very mortal and die from the repercussions of something you did wrong, (and overcame) many years ago.

The poem was so perfect and well-woven, it made me realise and admit that life itself is as perfect and well-woven, but we will all meet the same fate. I must admit that I have more than just the things that I need. I've got a sort privileged life am thankful for, and real friends and my man who has never abandoned me and helped me and jump EVER SINGLE HURDLE that came in our tracks.

The mental, emotional and ultimately, physical rollercoaster that I acquired from a single poem almost diverted ALL of my attention from the main idea, which was being set free, or if you want to be more straight to the point..

DYING.

When I looked at it with a lighter standpoint, I saw it as being set free from stresses and demons, in Eddie's case.Generally, it was being set free from the sadness, emptiness, and anger that we accumulate during our existence in this life, and being set free into eternal life to be with God or whoever entity up there forever. Although the intention of the poem was to remind us to think about the happy times that we spent with the person who passed away, as a result, we are filled with sadness and yearning for that person whom we'll never see again until it is OUR time to be set free.

Now I find myself asking God that this reader would not only be touched by the poem but also by my words, and that He may give him or her the courage to see the brighter side of death of his or her loved ones and see it not only as an end of an era, but the rebirth of a legacy. END.

My life is spelt C.H.I.E

2011-09-21T01:48:00.000-07:00

This was written by my man. My one and only Sindiel Kiriyama Taylor, the most wonderful piece ever written. Much more wonderful than any song composed or poem ever created.

I love you, in a world that makes no sense, i have all that means everything, you are my everything, the air in my lungs, it is the breath of your life, the thoughts that circulate through my head, are always you, the heart that beats in my chest was made by you, the legs i stand on are the confidence you instill in me, what radiates in my blood cells is our love that fills me, the greatest thing i have ever achieved was meeting you, the worst thing that ever happened to me was a price i would pay again to keep you, the world is just the canvas, and you are my painting, thank you for inspiring me into living this life infinitely, thanks for the patience and thank you for being so caring and loving, when my arms stretch out no matter the pain writhing in them, i know it's all for you, when my back deafens me with pain, i know one word from you will make it go away, an angel came into my life, a miracle from out of nowhere made me believe god still loves me, when having you talk to me, the mystery of life is explained to me, your body is the perfection i attempt to create, your soul is the heavenly light that makes everything alright, this world that made me feel death in life, has breathed life back into me what you are is god's ultimate creation and the very thought that you should be saddened or hurt is blasphemous to me, what i thought was hell turned into heaven on that 8th day, thank you for the love, affection, intimacy and care that you constantly give me, thank you for the efforts you make for me, and thank you mostly for being.....you. x

Little Lost Turtle

2011-09-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

Little turtle rushing to meet the sea

Broke out of your shell, you're now free

Little turtle on a long journey

Embrace the waves, follow your destiny

Little turtle searching for that place

Where time stands still and everyone stays

Little turtle have you found a home?

For you are loved and never alone

Little turtle nurse your broken heart

For there's no going back to the start

Little turtle drowning in an ocean of pain

Let your tears wash away with the rain

Little turtle aren't you getting tired?

Pretending you never really died inside

Little turtle stop reaching for the sun

In her eyes you belong in the ocean

Little turtle lost at sea

Rise above your misery

Little turtle lost at sea

Remember how it used to be

Little turtle lost at sea

You will be found… Maybe

-Chie

Am the little lost turtle :'/